HISTORY.
The history of Hungary can be summed up quite rapidly as two eras.
1. Fighting to survive.
2. Surviving to fight.
Fighting to survive.
From prehistoric times various tribes occupied the Carpathian Basin, that was until the Romans arrived in the province of Paranoia. Following their departure in mental disorder along came Flotilla the Nun to restore order.
When Flo died all the nuns left and the Avatars took over. They brought with them a time of relative calm and were rewarded with death.
Marauding Magyappers came next to chance their arm in 896. It took till nearly 10 o’clock to convince them, by even more yapping, to embrace Christianity or be expunged; they agreed! So in the year 1000 Stephen is crowned king. His crown can be remembered as the Essex crown because it also has a brent cross.
Peace only lasted till quarter to one because the Mongols invaded and wrecked everything everywhere.
The Turks were brought in to rebuild and when this was complete they too were exfoliated.
Various revolutions and fights broke out until 1914. This was a turning point for Hungary as they chose the losing side and lost a good few farms to their enemies.
The 1920’s involved a period of contemplation and when WW2 broke out Hungary chose wisely; or so they thought!
Surviving to fight.
Although on the winning side times were hard and the stoicism of the Hungarian peoples was astounding. The country was raped and pillaged by a man who thought he was a friend to the common man. Uncle Joe smiled whilst he secretly coveted their goods and chattels.
If he didn’t get them his henchmen would kill everyone. Following his somewhat lucky, peaceful death, the people of Hungary thought things may change for the better but Malenkov and Khrushchev plotted on the island of Brioni with their mate Tito.
It was then that Bulganin the Beard stormed into Hungary with ironmongery to open a lead dealership which gave rise to great wailing and gnashing until 1991.
Communism officially ended when Mr Gorbachev fell over and bumped his head calling ‘Glasnost! Pass me a peristroikaplast’.
1991 to present day.
A kind of democracy fell upon Hungary and in 2004 they joined the European Union. Since then Tesco and Burger King have crept through the back door which makes the future interesting.
Please attempt the following questions to test your knowledge of Hungarian history.
1. What is a Carpathian Basin?
Is it:
a. Somewhere to wash.
b. Somewhere to Urinate.
c. A place in Paranoia.
2. The Magyappers were
a. Marauders.
b. Applauders.
c. The losing side in the 955 World Cup final against Otto’s 11.
3. What is
a. The price of progress.
b. The cost of failure
c. A damn good fisting
CLIMATE
The weather in Hungary is influenced by, and because, it lies at the effluence of the European and Mediterranean atmospheric systems. This results in some extremes. Summer temperatures can reach 3000 degrees centigrade (or so it feels) and in winter -75. Rain is a serious consideration for the visitor because one could easily be washed away.
GETTING THERE
By Air
Most carriers fly from all airports to Ferengi airport Budapest. Except Leeds & Bradford (summer only) due to lack of taxiway.
By Sea
Up the North Sea, turn right onto the Rhine then left along the Main, then left again onto the Danube. When you hit Margaret Island you’ve arrived.
By road
Not worth the trouble, it’s too far.
CURRENCY
Money in Hungary is somewhat different to what the westerner is used to. It consists of puffs and florets. Puffs always have beards and moustaches and come in many denominations except free Presbyterian. A floret is a worthless coinage which makes holes in your pockets and weighs too much.
FOOD AND DRINK
FOOD
The national dish is Goulish and can be found everywhere. Normally served as a starter, it can be quite filling when eaten with 5kgs of bread. A delicacy which seems quite popular is squashed testicles.
Chicken is also quite popular, especially when filleted well.
Many cuisines from around the world are also available and one should sample as many as possible. Some suggestions would be Cold Pizza, Risotto con Porcini (rice pudding with mushrooms). Raw fish and raw meat of all colours and description, should be sampled without delay.
Chinese food should also be part of the serious travellers menu if only to test ones knowledge of internationalism.
Indian food is available in many different forms, though one has to look for this.
Hungarian desserts which stupefy the body, mind and bowls are second to none. Chocolate seems to be a particular favourite in Hungary!
Knowledge test.
1. Chinese food everywhere is soft only because they lack facial muscles and posses no sense of humour, therefore an inability to smile, laugh, or chew food means it has a sort of global insipidity. Debate.
2. Hungarian Gulag is:
a. Always served cold.
b. Best avoided.
c. A fat blonde with obscene tattoos.
d. A paprika laced meal containing veg and shin shin beef. (in other words ‘a stew stew’).
DRINK
Wine of many varieties are easily come by and if your budget doesn’t stretch to an expensive one something cheap can be obtained by robbing a derelict (of which there are many). Bulls blood is the staple in these parts and many gallons are consumed daily.
Palinka is a liqueur a little like schnapps in Germany which everyone drinks. I can recommend this.
Bon Bon Maggi is a littye stonger , I mean a little stronger than palinka at 50% the former being 40%.
Beer and Lager is everywhere and is cheap by European standards.
Dreher is a good lager and you won’t get falling down drunk on it (unless you drink 10 to 15 gallons. Arozny Asok is a very pale beer resembling lager; it’s less gassy and is very palatable (a session beer).
Advice for the tee teetotaller; you should not visit this country until you have developed a more grown up way of thinking.
Knowledge Test.
1. Bon Bon Maggi is
a. A bald headed lesbian mud wrestler from Bulgaria.
b. A paint stripper.
c. Something used to dissolve amalgam in fillings.
2. Palinka is
a. A propriety Hungarian explosive.
b. Loose change.
c. A visit to the STD clinic.
3. Arozny Asok is
a. A popular T.V. Presenter on Hungarian late night adult shows.
b. A beardless political figure from the 1920’s
c. A thin session beer that makes you piss a lot.
GETTING AROUND
Transport takes many forms in this Budapest.
Trams appear from somewhere and go nowhere on a regular basis (especially the number 2).
Buses are another favourite which have designated lanes in which to race from traffic light to traffic light. They do not cruise like ours but bounce rapidly down the street. The only saving grace is that there are many things to grab hold of to prevent a fall!
Genuflecting amongst the locals can be such fun I always say.
Taxis are expensive and to be avoided unless you have a firm grasp of your wallet, your wits and your friend.
The metro. This is an interesting concept and may one day be finished enough to be useful. On a daily basis one can watch people descend into a hole in the ground never to be seen again. Whether they are eaten alive or simply dissolve in the foetid miasma is something unknown to man!
The common factor on all public transport is the ticket and what to do with it. A three gay rider is available and is quite inexpensive, this allows travel on everything pubic.
The funicular. This is a curious contraption involving rails and cables; this reminded me of the Grand Old Duke of York. Should you decide to risk this, an expensive ticket is easily obtainable at the kiosk at the bottom (next to the giant vagina) and is valid for one year.
Although why anyone should wish to use it for that period is mind numbing. The views from the top are spectacular and not much better when it’s foggy on the Danube.
All roads lead to the Danube and therefore the bridges which cross it. The twice daily clamour to cross is best avoided by a swift retreat to the many bars which can be found on its banks. An alternative choice could be a river trip. For just a few Hufters one can board a boat which includes a bar; therefore one can avoid the rush and the sights! A brief word of warning on your choice of vessel; it is imperative you have a lid on your boat for when it rains here, it pours!
Knowledge Test.
1. How many trams make a train?
2. How many trains make a plane?
3. The Funicular is
a. A near death experience.
b. Something nasty from a Greek restaurant.
c. A emery cloth pantyliner.
BARS and CLUBS
I think so!
Both are plentiful and range from expensive to low priced, either of which can be sordid, vulgar or both. The closer the river you go, the more money you will part with.
A quick foray into the V district (business area) can be an enjoyable experience especially after 1700hrs. Merleg Utca (which roughly translates to ‘Mincing Street’) can be a nice stroll when changing venues.
Most bars have bullet proof doors so you’ll be safe when using the varied facilities.
The Sorozo (which means beer) bar next to Hermes near Kelleti Station
(pronounced kolleti): 
is a good start if you’ve arrived by train.
It has a Galeria for young people who play indistinguishable foreign music on the jukebox.
A word of advice here: when drinking al fresco be aware that motorcycles have a tendency to drive between the tables. They are pizza delivery boys, couriers and anyone who fancies a short cut.
About five minutes walk away will bring you to a bar with a Welsh flag.
The Borozo is down stairs from the street but don’t let this put you off. It is full of bric-a-brac which gathers dust year on year.
The saving grace is that if it does kick off there will be a flat iron within easy reach! There is a Sports Bar a few doors down from this though this was crowded and loud when we were there.
A short walk (75yrds Munkas Utca) you can find the Ba Bar. This is a dimly lit overpriced cocktail bar where one has to remain sotto voce for fear of disturbing the staff. The cocktails are very good though especially the strawberry flavoured ones. Unfortunately these are rather like a slushy and non alco; much to my chagrin. The Halo bar is a fun place; though again expensive. It has adult entertainment and various tools and equipment for making things right! On our visit we couldn’t make anything right as they a had no jelly at the bar! The Sorebum bar is a short walk from ba bar (Dohnay Utca) and is themed like a pine clad cafe.
Angyal bar which is also on Dohnay Utca, we could not find so I have no comment. Capella and Cafe Eklektika may have been nice but my friends would not take me there so again I have nothing to say.
There was talk of a shooting club on Torontal Utca but we failed to book or they had no towels; anyway we didn’t make that one either.
Knowledge Test
1. When first entering a bar one should
a) check everyone is breathing.
b) avoid eye contact.
c) attempt to buy a drink.
2. The V district is
a) the pink fetish room with liquorice handcuffs.
b) a fork worth a visit.
c) an underground car park where screaming is encouraged.
3. The Borozo is
a) a place where they breed tarantulas in the toilets.
b) a bar with no till.
c) a diabolical cavern with electrodes.
4. The Sorebum bar is
a) a vibrating appliance with a top speed of 15,000 rpm
b) does exactly what it says.
c) somewhere which stays open as long as you do.
THINGS TO DO
Firstly you will need to make a list on which you write all the words that have ‘M’ and a ‘C’ in them. Under no circumstances must you visit anything which has either of these letters. Your stay will be far more enjoyable without all that clutter in your life. Look for words like ‘breakfast, food, bar, dinner, beer and sleep!’ non of these words has any complications.
Five things to DO when reaching the Danube.
1. Swim it.
2. Drink it.
3. Laugh at it.
4. Ignore it.
5. The local waiters.
Advice on crossing a road. Do not feel tempted to make a run for it; you will be killed! There is no refuge in the middle only a white line which is far too thin to stand on. Crossing points are at every junction so all you have to do is wait for the lights to change.
However, this is no guarantee that you will make it across. The only thing which is slow in Budapest are the lifts.
A must is a stroll down Vaci Utca (Airbelly Street) here you will find all the international shops should you require retail therapy.
You will also be approached by numerous Gypsies dressed in there traditional garbage all wanting to draw a cartoon of you and relieve you of your wallet.
Another word of warning here. Should you hear the approach of an emergency vehicle run for your life, imminent death awaits the onlooker.
Fire engines go so fast they miss the fire, police cars drive on the pavement, ambulances just drive back and forth, day and night making noise!
The bridges across the Danube are interesting for one reason only. This is that over many years people have tried to remove them. There are some interesting remains at Margaret Island where one can sit (on a dry day) and watch the solitary stone mason chipping away on a block disturbing the peace. As you sit drinking the local liquor, which has a consistency of clear thick diesel, you can be devoured by ants which respond well to this concoction by climbing the tables and chairs.
If you are interested in the history of this place one can also view (by means of a glass pavement and much squandered money) piles of stones romantically lit on the opposite bank.
One crossing point which was rebuilt in 1949, is the Chain Bridge. This was origionaly built by a man in a skirt called Adam Clark. The reason for its relative survival was that the Nazi scum ran out of explosives as they fled for their lives and could not completely destroy it.
The females of this country are all beautiful and there are many shops which cater for their needs. An interesting pastime is to find a bar with one of these shops close by. Here you can sit and observe all life pass by as you while away the tedium of the day. We found one such bar (and there are many) which has a shop selling tights of all description. This was frequented by many men who disappeared inside for hours. We reached the conclusion that this place was the headquarters of a secret organisation dedicated to fighting organised crime; namely Thrush. Although we never saw Leo G Carroll we did observe many ‘Men from Utca’ enter this place and emerge empty handed confirming our suspicions.
The architecture of Budapest is very interesting especially the older buildings. One can observe the history first hand by reviewing the many bullet holes and counting them; another interesting pastime which can help the day along. A visit to the market hall near Liberty Bridge can be a real experience. One can try deep fried bread with various toppings which defy description. To think Egon Ronay was born here too.
Swimming baths and spas can be enjoyable if you like playing chess in the pool. I found they took too much time from my schedule of alcohol and food. The parliament building is of particular interest as it was modelled on the British Westminster Parliament. Whether this statement relates to what goes on inside or the structure of the building evades me! All I will say is that a sense of humour was employed during construction.
A visit to the VII District or Elizabeth Town will bring you to the Jewish district. Let me be open here, once you’ve visited a Jewish district, in any of the capital cities of the world, you don’t need to visit another; they’re all the same and you won’t discover anything new. Having skipped the tour you will have more time to enjoy the Hungarian propensity for statues, they are everywhere. The umbrella ladies of Obuda is apparently an inspired creation, though why so is beyond me.
The Gerbeaud coffee house is a so called institution though why one would wish to take coffee when there is a perfectly good bar around the corner is also beyond me.
The State Opera House is an ornate building which merits a glance as you pass on the tram as is St Stephens Basilica completed in 1905 after 54 years hard labour. The Cafe New York was famous for being a haven of writers, musicians, poets, philosophers and the like. It has been incorporated into a hotel now and only attracts old ‘has been’ politicians as they do their interpretation of the Grand Tour.
Imagine the shock to discover an old Peterhouse boy poking his big nose into Hungarian affairs after making such a bollocks of the British ones. Michael Portentous was seen cruising about the city and various railway stations in his JML bodysuit, talking to anyone who would listen. The other half of this bloody awful duo, namely Diane the Abbotess, was nowhere to be seen.
The Hapsburg’s were a very wealthy family who ruled over the Austro-Hungarian Empire for many years and were involved in the first world war. You must avoid anything related to this family and period as it is very time consuming. All one needs to do is purchase a book on the subject, find a nice bar and read on the matter.
One interesting fact the serious traveller should arm themselves with is this: Hungary has the highest suicide rate in Europe. It is worth bearing this in mind as one sits in the bar at the airport observing the lengthy queues of people trying to escape the depressingly dull drab and awful streets of the suburbs; a place where one need not attempt self annihilation as there is always someone at hand to assist. It is for this reason I stayed around the city centre where people do occasionally smile.
There are many things to photograph in Budapest and if the light is right you may see the results of your labours. A strong strap is recommended for your equipment and you can even purchase one for your camera if you like. When taking pictures in and around the railway stations be aware of the old Soviet Secret Service. The NKDV, KGB, Smersh, Spectre, and the aforementioned Thrush. They are all here. You can tell them from everyone else because since the collapse of the Soviet Union the clothing allowance has dried up.
There are many uniformed services here but one you should familiarise yourself with is the police or Rendorseg, as they are known. They carry weapons but are not allowed to use them for the extraction of money. Unlike the police forces of Africa. In fact most of them speak good English and will be happy to help you should the need arise.
The Panorama Tower has some wonderful views of Pest so a camera is a must. When you’ve finished here you could visit the Treasury as this contains some rare heart-attacks. There are many parks and botanical gardens in and around Budapest. These range from crowded to empty and some even have trees and grass. One thing they do have: public toilets!
The two golf clubs are over 20 miles away from Budapest so are not worth the effort. Squash is played in hotels and the Lido Leisure Centre.
Tennis can be played at Margaret Island. Most of the sporting venues have a cemetery close by to inspire the athleticism in you. One can easily hire a bicycle and tour the parks; it being far too dangerous to go near a road.
Knowledge Test.
1. Is Peter’s House in Hungary?
2. Did Georg Solti?
3. Rendorseg is
a. A small flightless bird with bright plumage.
b. A gun toting cyclepath
c. A pole dancer.
4. The ants on Margaret Island can
a. Suck a man dry in less than 15 minutes.
b. Eat stonemasons.
c. Wait table.
5. St Stephens Basilica took 54 years to complete. Would they have been quicker if they had used
a. Sponge rubber.
b. Dental Floss.
c. Bricklayers.
6. The Hapsburgs were
a. A strain of yeast
b. Trouble makers of the first order
c. A Family who loved Gay Pride
THINGS TO DO AT NIGHT
If you are romantically inclined there are many restaurants on the banks of the Danube. They are expensive and one has to check the bill for hidden service charges, which can be high. However there is no point being romantic here; your night will be ruined by traffic noise and the constant clanking and grinding as the trams ply up and down. You would be well advised to find somewhere off the busy streets if you wish to woo!
You could take a stroll along the riverbank and take in the pretty lights which adorn everything that doesn’t move, but again there’s the noise. A suggestion would be to retreat back into the city for dripping and bread (with onions & paprika), or one could try and order a Whopper Meal at Burger King near Kelleti Station. I have experience of this and found that, rather than tackle the lingo, it’s best to point and grunt, much like the Germans do!
Night time is a revelation in Budapest. Things appear on the streets which defy account. The sexes cannot be delineated, street lighting only covers the main routes and the shops are all closed. In fact the shops are only open weekdays till mid afternoon and never open at all at weekends. So if you wish to take a souvenir of your visit get in early, or just think ‘thank God, I’m alive!’ and make do with that. The best advice I could give is this: find a nice, amiable bar/restaurant and stay there until bed time, it’s far less trouble.
If you should be lucky enough to cop off, never refuse an invite to a local venue for drinks and nibbles as the experience can be quite moving. The locals can be extremely accommodating especially when in a group situation…
Knowledge test.
1. Clanking & Grinding involves
a) Three People.
b) A Stonemason and a Blacksmith.
c) A wheelchair in a tram line.
2. The Toilets in most restaurants have doors made from
a) Soundproof material.
b) High grade boilerplate.
c) Stained Glass.
3. Hidden charges are
a) Something which appears on a bill.
b) Related to Street lighting.
c) A good night in the swimming pool.
4. Upon Meeting another English person in Budapest, one should
a) Speak German and hope for the best.
b) Try Russian and hope they run away.
c) Ask if they have a hotel room nearby.
GOING BEYOND BUDAPEST
The Plains.
It is easy to travel around this land. There is the Eastern plain, Southern plain and the Central plan. The first two are just flat pieces of land, covered in paprika trees, as the name implies but the central plan has places with ‘M & C’ in them so that makes it important. At the effluence of the Tisza & Zagyva tributary live some 80,000 souls. It is here that a crossing point lies which has been much defended and fought over. During the second World war the allies bummed the fleeing Nazis here whilst the Russians chased them away.
About 30 miles east of Budapest many town have the prefix ‘Jasz’ this has nothing to do with music but relates to the fact that they have connections with the Capsicum Sea. If you’re adventurous you could seek out Lehel and his gigantic horn! He was a Magyapper, said to have killed the German emperor Otto 1st. Although quite how he did this was not revealed to me as I couldn’t grasp the language.
Northern Hungary.
This is a place of hills and forests. It is where you’ll find the Danube bender. More probably in the Carpathian foothills. There are cave systems here and in winter you can ski down them (if you’re not careful). UNESCO came here in 1985 and enjoyed it so much he declared ‘This is henceforth a World Heritage Site’, so that’s why it’s so expensive.
One can travel by train to Godollo, it’s at the end of the HIV line from Budapest. Here you’ll find the Hapsburg summer palace where Emperor Fran, Josef and his sissy wife lived. The palace fell into a state of decay during the the World Wars as they themselves did but restoration has begun and if you’re lucky you can hear another stonemason. You will be quite close to the Slovak border here and it would be tempting to just go across, never to be seen again but you must resist this, mainly because your luggage is still in your hotel.
At Miskolc there are limestone caves which can be explored. A stalactite cave named St Stephen, a not so tight cave named Anna’s and a third named Szeleta. They are all interesting except Anna’s which is too wet!
Knowledge test.
1. The central plan is
a) To be seen and not heard.
b) A diet.
c) A Government plot to join the Euro.
2. Do yo think a stalag might?
3. Was Lehel’s gigantic horn involved in the downfall of the Hapless burgs.
4. A Stonemason carries a bent Frenchman in his bag.
True or False.
5. Why is Anna’s entrance slippery?
6. The House of Terror is
a) a drain on the Hugarian National Grid.
b) a stunning experience.
c) best avoided.
CONCLUSIONS
‘Everyone should do something risky at least once in their lives.’ I spoke these words as we landed here on the starboard wheel (those Jet2 airfames are damn strong). Another risky thing to do is to board a plane for departure. If I could have spoken the languge I would have told them that you cannot board six international flights through one gate. This sums up the country as it tries to become more European; one thing I hope is that they don’t suceed.
A visit to this country is great fun, though this may not last as prices rise and they all become accustomed to shopping at Tesco. My friends and I have seen changes here, the slow creep of commercialism, so if you’re planning a visit you shoud not waste time, Budapest will become like every other capital city with its fine tuned boring tourism industry. Enough of my ranting! One final thought though:
if….
p.s.
If you failed to answer any questions correctly you’ve won a trip to France, with a five day pass to the sewage system.
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